UnknownNot long ago I inquired into the differences and comparisons, not to say conflict, between my brain and my heart.  It moved me to tears, and I want to share some of the insights, in hopes they might speak to you as well.

I started by owning that for me, my brain is the safe place to hang out.  I kinda knew this, but it became clearer and more poignant when I did a session with Kiran (aka Mystic Girl in the City, whom I highly recommend.)

Kiran helped me to see (with a certain amount of resistance and sadness), that my brain (I could also call it the head center), has habitually been my safe haven.  It’s been my default resource and go-to location, my solace in times of trouble, the place from which I typically make decisions, figure things out, make meaning….

As I write this, I take a deep breath, and thank (from the bottom of my heart!), this center , this amazing organ, for all its hard work, for its good intentions, for all the service it has given, and will give, me and the world… What happened next?

I felt into the head center, and invited it to speak to me.  I noticed that it felt clear, crisp, and also a bit hard.  As I stayed with the experience, I felt a kind of guardedness, a deeply grooved pattern of wanting to get it right, to understand…   It was tiring, not to say stressful, to observe and sense this vigilance, this hyper-attention.  I noticed both excitement and curiosity, as well as agitation and impatience… quite a mix.  I then noticed that there is an enormous amount of efforting, trying, not to say struggling, that occurs when the brain thinks it’s in charge.

And I say think, because it’s my belief, if not always my experience, that neither my head nor my heart is ultimately in charge… They just think so.   At a deeper, truer level, the Mystery, the Absolute, God/god, is arising and unfolding at my location…  As I become more awake, more conscious, I also become more aware of this, more attuned, and can then pay attention, surrender to what’s arising,.  I can dance the dance, and not think that I’m the caller…(and the heart is a lot better at this than my head, which really does think it’s in charge!)

At this point, I dropped down into my heart.  I get chills as I write this, recalling, reliving the shift I noticed.  My face got more relaxed, my heart area expanded and had a quality of luminosity, my body relaxed.  This is all not unknown to me (after years of personal work (with the Diamond Approach and other teachings and teachers).  Still, with my head center the default mode and familiar safe place, I “forget” to remember the world of difference I experience when my heart is my center.  I feel this difference right now.

It’s a joy, there’s openness, softness, and capacity that I simply do not have when the head is driving the bus. (Forgive all the mixed metaphors, they just seem fitting as they arise :-).)

imagesThe skills and talents of my brain, mind, head, are not lost or unavailable.  On the contrary, they are more grounded, more coherent, more integrated  and connected with what’s really important, when they are in service of what the heart knows and wants.

A fellow inquirer asked me what the head center was experiencing as I dropped down into my heart, and noticed the difference.  I checked in, and my head center was deeply relieved!  This was a surprise.  It was at this point that I burst into tears.

I love this about Inquiry, it is not uncommon that something completely fresh and deeply insightful arises.  And so it was this time.  Instead of feeling insulted, left out, diminished, which I would have “thought” my head center would feel, it relaxed and the tears just poured out… it felt great relief at not having to carry such responsibility, to have to get it right, to be “on” all the time – but to be able to let go and “let its hair down” :-), its version of surrendering, hanging out in Not Knowing…

images-2So, thanks for sharing this journey with me.  I must get on with packing for departure tomorrow my 50th Reunion, and this afternoon I meet with dear high school friends from Tulsa, Oklahoma who are passing though.  I take a deep breath, my heart opens, I relax, and am ready for what is arising, here, now, on the glorious almost summer day.

Jill Schroder is the author of BECOMING: Journeying Toward Authenticity.  BECOMING is an invitation for self-reflection, and to mine our memorable moments for insights, meaning, andgrowth.  Check the website for a sample chapter, or see the reviews to get a flavor for the volume.  Follow me on Twitter, let’s be friends on Facebook :-)

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