Unknown-1Not that I don’t still feel driven and agitated at times, not that I no longer ever feel separate, not that I’m never critical, of myself or others, anymore…. it’s different though, at least a lot of the time.  In subtle but noticeable ways.

Late last year I had a dawning, a dropping, an insight.  I realized that for much of my life I had considered myself to be in need of improving, fixing, almost like an object.  Not that I was hopelessly broken, or inherently bad.  Just that there was always something that could be made better, tweaked here or there, topped up, changed for the better.  It was as though there had been a “Project Jill”, and the project could always use some work. It was never ending, and there was a rather relentless flavor to it.  Knowing the Project was always there, even if subconsciously, also meant it was never OK to let up, or rest.

When I realized this, after all these decades of self-awareness — personal, professional, spiritual efforts at self-Unknown-2improvement — I experienced, for the first time, a sense that “Project Jill” was over.  It was as though a juggernaut had come to a grinding halt.  Slowly winding down, and finally stopping.  It was a big day, and a big deal!

I said Small Shift in the title.  By that I mean the insight was nothing earth shattering.  Just a subtle shift in perspective.  I no longer took myself to be something that needs fixing.  I don’t have to be vigilantly watching for what’s needed next.

As I write this and take a deep breath, I feel the rest, the relaxation, and I  settle.

I noticed that there was, and is, a deepening trust in the unfolding of my life, and life itself.  I’m not in charge, I know that. But it has always felt like I still needed to keep an eye on things… to manage the process, have a hand on the reins.

The shift does not mean I won’t change, or grow, or learn, or explore shadow work anymore, or take action in the world as seems appropriate.  Far from it.  It’s just that I will trust the arising, rather than thinking I need to manage it, keep at it.  There is a seamless, flowing quality to life, to the unfolding.  There’s a freshness that’s subtle, but surprising and touching!

A friend and colleague, Julia Menard, uses an apt metaphor.  She talks about shifts in perspective being like turning a kaleidoscope.

“Whatever situations might be causing you stress or grief or conflict right now … is it possible that with the gentle hand of your heart turning on that kaleidoscope, that you too might find the hidden beauty inside?”

images-1I’ve always loved kaleidoscopes!  A slight turn can result, not only in a whole new perspective, but great beauty!

Here is a lovely song that feels like a fine way to close this piece, for now:  Take the five minutes to savor Everything Is Holy Now, by Peter Mayer.

An exquisite portrayal of the seamless, reverent, flow of this magical life we have been given. Unknown

Comments? Questions?  They are always welcome, as are tweets, forwards, shares.  We are unfolding, arising, together!

Jill Schroder is the author of BECOMING: Journeying Toward Authenticity.  BECOMING is an invitation for self-reflection, and to mine our memorable moments for insights, meaning, and growth.  Check the website for a sample chapter, or see the reviews to get a flavor for the volume.  Follow me on Twitter, let’s be friends on Facebook :-)


Share this: