It’s now five weeks after my stroke.  Physically I am fully recovered, miracle of miracles, and what huge blessing.  Still, I can well believe that my body is intrinsically aware of the event that happened on August 6, early in the morning.  And so, for example, I am allowing myself more little naps; and more time when I am cycling somewhere, giving opportunities to move more slowly, notice the season beginning to change, the stunning late summer blooms, and to smile at people I encounter :-).

But since everything seems so ‘normal’ and fully functional, I am finding an increasing tendency to return to a faster pace, my ‘forward lean.’  Even though I’m doing well without my habitual list-making, and am enjoying letting things arise, I do find it a challenge — after all those many years of hurrying, maximizing, focussing on efficiency over ease — to integrate the new mode, to live within the metaphor of flowing rather than slotting!

It is helpful in this regard to recall the ocean, the sky, the passage of the sun and moon. Slotting just doesn’t exist or apply, yet what’s important simply happens.

Another nice thing, as I seek to allow a new ‘normal’ in my daily life:  I have noticed an internal shift:  whereas before I really loved the slotting, the whiz and buzz of my former pace, now I recognize clearly that it doesn’t serve me, that it doesn’t feel good in the way it used to. And I know that not just intellectually, but I can feel it in my gut, my head, my heart, and my capillaries!

So the trick is to catch myself at the edge, notice when I am in the middle of the shift from flowing to slotting. And not to give myself grief because or when I discover the familiar patterns returning — that would be truly counterproductive!  I was working with a classical homeopathy practitioner recently, and she helped me to see how important it is to be kind and gentle with that habitual part of myself, to actually acknowledge that it served me well for years, gave pleasure, allowed me to contribute in ways that seemed important and useful.  And these patterns no longer serve me or the greater good.

(To be continued)

Jill Schroder is the author of BECOMING: Journeying Toward Authenticity. Check the website for a sample chapter, or see the reviews to get a flavor for the volume.

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